This module covers relationship resilience or interpersonal resilience, i.e. resilience that we gain from our social relationships, as well as the resilience required to deal with our social relationships.
Watch this 29 minute video.
Staying resilient together
Social isolation
Social isolation can affect well being. This happens when we have few points of support in our social network.
Multiple supporting relationships
Relationship resilience requires multiple supportive relationships that mesh together. The more reliable relationships we have to support us through difficult circumstances the better.
The power of social contact
Over the last few years, we have learned a lot about this complex nervous system known as the vagal nerve.
Dr Stephen Porges breaks down our vagal nerve response into three areas:
Fight / Flight
Shut down / Collapse / Freeze
Social Engagement System
Porges' 'Polyvagal Theory' shows us that we can actually regulate each others emotional states rather than always relying on our own self-regulation skills. This means we can directly affect the overall climate of our interactions and work
together to reduce our collective anxiety or stress.
How do you interact with your local anxiety economy?
When there is a lot of anxiety in the system, we may respond in the following ways.
Amplifying
We can amplify anxiety by getting caught up in the emotion of the situation. We can make the situation bigger by telling lots of people about how difficult the situation is and running around panicking.
Swallowing
Swallowing other people's emotions may be required at times, however it is not useful long-term. We can end up absorbing a lot of other people's emotional states which can cause stress responses within the body over the long
term.
Damping
The best option is to damp the response. Damping is talking about what is actually going on and working towards a resolution together using this as the basis.
When we notice an unhealthy dynamic in a relationship or an 'emotional economy' we may want to instigate a conversation with our colleagues, family members or friends which addresses how we are handling our emotions together. If we want to
do that, we need an effective way of discussing the relationships between us.
Relational conversations: What is a relational conversation?
A relational conversation is a conversation whose focus is on the relationship between us.
Relational conversations include :
talking about myself to you : e.g. disclosing our own desires, weaknesses or worries to others
talking about you to you : e.g. giving positive feedback or asking for a behavioural change
talking to you about us : e.g. asking why you seem to be avoiding me, trying to resolve a conflict between us.
Many people find relational conversations difficult to instigate and negotiate. So many of us tend to avoid them... even when the underlying relationship is good
Qualities of a good relational conversation
A good relational conversation has four components as shown in the diagram below:
What gets in the way of a good relational conversation
Powerful relational conversations - The 'four sentence method'
The anxiety of going into this type of conversation, can mean that we overprepare – trying to create a lengthy 'script' for the conversation, going into too much detail, overwhelming the other person and, potentially putting them on the defensive.
We can forget that we also need to listen, inquire and give the other person the opportunity to talk about their perceptions. Which, of course, is exactly what we need to do to find some common ground.
A simple 'Four Sentence Conversation' (4SC) format can help us find a place to start the discussion quickly and succinctly, so that the other person knows exactly what we want to discuss and how we want them to play a part in the conversation.
There are examples of useful 'Four Sentence' formats in the video for this module as well as in the Additional Resources.
If you would like to learn more about handling relational conversations (and other types of challenging discussion), there are a number of books on the subject, which are listed in the 'Resource List' for this module.
Remember – tackling these conversations will, in the long run, make your relationships more resilient even if they feel tricky at the time!
The 'shape' of a Four Sentence Conversation
Specific Four Sentence Conversations have different forms but the underlying structure is broadly the same. They are usually made up of the following types of statement or question:
Frame
What the conversation is about
Advocacy
A statement of your own view or observations
Inquiry
A question to give the other person space to state their views
Introducing the Leading Libraries series. It covers the findings from the C21st Public Servant research, the origins of the four 'Leading for' capabilities and explains how to use the materials.
This set introduces you to resilience and why it is important for leaders. It covers emotional resilience; mental resilience; relationship resilience and social resilience.
It covers the key concepts of dialogue and why it is important for leaders, listening and inquiry skills, an introduction to 'conversational moves' and how to create a space for dialogue.
Emphasising the need for inclusive practice in our services and communities. It covers the foundations of inclusion, barriers to inclusion, power and privilege and allyship skills.
Building creativity and design skills for leaders. It covers the innovation cycle, diagnosis and perspective shifting skills, creative idea generation and safe-to-fail experimentation.
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