Leading Libraries Series: Leading for Resilience
The Leading for Resilience set consists of the following modules:
You are in the Relationship resilience module
Relationship resilience
The big idea: What do we mean by resilient relationships?
You may remember from the earlier 'Introduction to Resilience' module, that we have defined resilience as the ability to bounce back from setbacks. It also refers to the capacity to learn from shocks and stresses, gradually improving
our ability to sustain and bounce back in more and more difficult circumstances. We can use exactly the same definition whether we are taking about a single person, a relationship or a group or organisation.
In this module, we use the term 'Relationship Resilience' to cover two different aspects of resilience:
- The fact that strong, supportive relationships help us to be resilient as individuals
- The importance of maintaining our relationships in a way that keeps them resilient too.
We have known for a long time that people who have stronger relationship networks tend to do better when disaster strikes and, conversely, that loneliness and social isolation have strongly negative effects on our well-being and even our physical
health. Some of this is practical, of course – if we have others who are happy to help out when times get tough, we can focus our energies on solving our problems. But recent research also shows that, as social beings, we are able to regulate
our emotions more effectively if we have good social relationships with other people – both close relationships and more general acquaintances.
At the interpersonal level, maintaining relationship resilience is all about the quality of our interactions with each other and, of course, our conversations. If we are able to have open, supportive and (if necessary) challenging conversations
with other people, we maximise our chances of collaborating together, solving our problems and recovering from any 'bumps' in the relationship.
Social resilience - help each other to regulate
Following on from the research about personal resilience in the 80s and 90s, we are now learning more and more about the impact of our social relationships on our personal relationships. New research into the neuroscience of resilience (Stephen
Porges' 'Polyvagal Theory'), shows that we can even help each other to regulate our nervous system activation via social engagement.
The theory is important in scientific terms but it also has practical impact – it shows us that we can balance our own emotional state by helping other people to self-regulate and vice versa.
We know that 'socially resilient' people pay careful attention to their 'network of relationships', knowing that they need other people when things get tough. We all need to get support, help and warmth from others, and we all need to feel
that we are giving those things too. But we also need to be able to balance the 'emotional economy' in our relationships, making sure that we are genuinely sharing the burden of emotional regulation – neither 'amplifying' problematic emotions
(by panicking, complaining or blaming others) nor 'swallowing' other people's difficult emotions for them (at long term cost to ourselves).
Your ability to notice, talk about and collaborate in your workplace 'emotional climate' is a very important tool in your leadership toolbox!
Effective relational conversations
Many of us tend to find relational conversations challenging – even a bit scary! We've all had experience of these conversations going wrong – on either or both sides of the discussion.
So what about maintaining our relationships – at home or at work? As you will realise, the ability to keep our relationship resilient is heavily supported by our dialogue skills:
- Effective listening
- Balancing our advocacy and inquiry
- Creating safe conditions for conversations.
The Leading for Dialogue series covers these more general aspects in lots of detail and gives a range of reflective exercises and activities to help you build your dialogue skills.
In the video for this module, we focus in on 'relational conversations' specifically – the kinds of conversation we need to have when we want to discuss something about the relationship itself.
Qualities of a good relational conversation
If we decide to tackle this kind of conversation, we are most likely to succeed if we take the time upfront to:
- Decide what we really want to focus on in the conversation
- Ensure we give equal time for our own views (advocacy) and for understanding the other person's perspective (inquiry)
- Create an uninterrupted and private 'space' for the conversation.
There is more detail on how to design and hold a relational conversation later in this module.
Continue to: Building resilient relationships
Print Page
